“For so many years, I couldn’t understand why every time I thought that someone finally loved me, like… for real, they would eventually turn to vapour. Every person whom I’ve ever loved is trapped inside of my chest. I’ve breathed all of them in so deeply that I’ve nearly choked and died on every soul that I’ve ever given myself to.”
― Jennifer Elisabeth, Born Ready: Unleash Your Inner Dream Girl.
Let’s face it relationships are fundamental to our existence.
They don’t just sit neatly in the corner waiting to be trundled out and played with. More often than not they are the white elephant in the room, right bang in the middle of the room. You have to do some pretty nifty footwork to avoid a collision. It is a confrontation that demands you face a truth about who you are loving and why.
Even the marriages or committed partnerships that have survived the test of time have had their fair share of demons sent to conspire against the most loving heart.
'Old Skool' folks will tell you that relationships need nurturing, resilience, patience and strength.
(Mmm, our trusty Lion takes on a new resonance here!) I suppose all these sum up to love. In the ancient of days, love used to mean knowledge…interesting. Does that mean that the more knowledge we have of a person the more they are inextricably woven into the fabric of the heart?
Nope, it meant that you knew who you were doing business with. It was all about trust and the survival of the fittest, keenest, most ambitious and better planned. Ask the ones that started a new life (forced or otherwise) in the New World, like Australia. Life depended on working together not on any romantic notion of what the individual looked like, or what their opinions were and so on. In order for the individual to survive it required a certain amount of interdependency.
We are not islands; we are born to share.
In my mother’s era you married for life, whether you married the right person or not, is and always will be a matter of contention. Self-knowledge and a sprinkle of martyrdom, but life meant life. As we entered the new age of individualism women found that they were not, and possibly could not, be as their mothers and reared their young in an environment where it was more likely that the father figure became more transient and the mother took on multiple roles in the domestic AND professional domain.
Yes, yes, I hear you say but what has that got to do with woundmates and soulmates?
So, here’s the thing, as a consultant the primary area for exploration, emotional consideration and mental pabulum is relationships!! Tied up in all of that are professional relationships, the familiarity or lack of it with neighbours, children, animals even places. It is worth remembering that nothing is ever accidental and our relationships, whatever their shape or form, create experiences that will shape us and ultimately create the demography of our lives.
Over the years, I have learned that we desire someone, to be loved and cherished by them, and to give that in return. But do we know if this person is a soulmate or a woundmate?
Soulmates, we often have more than one…
It could be said that everybody we meet and connect with is a soulmate irrespective of place and circumstance. Soulmates bring meaningful experiences that encourage us to shift and grow. They bring the formula for us to know ourselves better and sometimes these experiences are challenging and daunting. Yet, they are of the soul and there is a sense of continuum, we learn of love, we come to understand the reason to love as a result of this particular connection to a person.
Woundmates, however, come in through the rips and tears of lessons that created lesions in the heart.
They pick over, like hovering vultures at a pyre, the leftovers of what once was with someone else. We become blinded by the idea that maybe this time a healing will happen and a resurrection will occur that will end in happy ever after…the job has been done, the bond has been made, we become attached through the wound. This type of relationship relates through the similar experience of pain. Instead of it lifting one to the dizzy heights of emotional and spiritual attainment, it grinds one down into the dense and heavy vibration of a shadow that refuses to be illuminated.
Relationships are like a mirror of the self.
When we say ‘I want someone who will just get me’ we might just get that but is it for the right reasons?
Soulmates encourage expansion of consciousness through non-toxic experiences. They encourage strength so that we build on our previous experiences. We become skilled in communicating our truth and we learn from every experience no matter how difficult. Soulmates urge us to travel in our inner world and to express ourselves without fear. Trust is the key.
Woundmates tie us to things that don’t really exist.
Fear is the food that feeds the spirit. Dreams become blackened by disappointment. Less soul and more ego. Drawn by the promise of potential, the wound and the heart become one and the same. A cycle of pain is perpetuated and until the root of that pain is understood and dealt with then it is a living wound.
Only love is real.
Let go of the worst case scenario, love our own wound first. It is a part of being whole.